While I was searching through some of my old articles I came across another one I'd like to share with you. I wrote part of it about six years ago and then added to it a year later. For some reason my addition to the article had somehow been deleted from my computer, fortunately I found a hard copy I had printed. It’s tongue-in-cheek and intended to be humorous.
Yes, the dreaded mood swings. You wake up in a bad mood and the sour mood never leaves. You wake up in a good mood, which turns into a bad mood. Your parents inform you they had won the lottery jackpot; you are still grumpy. You have 10,000 likes on your latest Facebook post; still grumpy.
You hate the world. The world hates you.
Many contract the infectious; but not confined to puberty, slamming disease Doorusslamus. Many hinges have perished due to this contagious, but avoidable infliction on mankind or in this case womankind.
Jokes no longer are funny when in the full throes of the Grumpy mood swing. These jokes are usually taken personally or seriously. Thus an argument ensues, in which the pleasantries exchanged usually end in the following: (meanings are included)
- I hate you : You still hate the world
- Nobody loves me: Everyone is mean. I hate myself.
- Several words ending in off or other colourful language.
Please see the Oxford English or Oxford American Dictionary for profanity meanings.
There are other distinctive behaviours associated with the Grumpy mood. The next phase in Doorusslamus is the sulking stage. This can take two different but very similar forms; cave-dweller like hibernation in one’s bedroom or in some cases, hibernation in the bathroom.
- Bedroom Hibernation – After the initial door banging and shouting for you to vacate your bedroom by parents and other family members, there comes a period of forgetfulness. Yes if you have been quiet for too long the rest of your family will forget you are here. They will go to the movies, McDonald’s or Pizza Hut without inviting you or even noticing you are missing.
- Bathroom Hibernation – This is not without major drawbacks, maybe not for you but certainly for others. It is preferable to have an en suite or face the wrath of other family members. When they have to use a bucket or your baby brother or sister’s potty to relieve him or her selves, they will not think of you kindly.
The final stage of this mood is
Grumpiness Amnesia. This is self-denial or denial that you were ever grumpy in
the first place.
The blues can strike at any time and nothing is more embarrassing than weeping through a soap opera, particularly one you usually just watch to laugh at for being so contrived. It may be hard to tell if it is your hormones making you feel sad that Dash’s estranged mother tells him he was adopted as a baby. Then after much anguish, he discovers his birth mother, only to find her on her death bed. He then discovers she has left a family of five children, three cats, two dogs and a goldfish with fin rot. However, to your family and friends, this tear fest can be a great source of amusement or confusion.
You may suffer from, The Return to the Womb Syndrome aka I wish I had never been born. Whichever way you may look upon this, once you have left the womb there is physically no way of going back. Although, if your moods have been particularly irritable your mother may also be thinking the same thought. It is doubtful they would say this to your face. Your mother may also be thinking where did my offspring go and who replaced them with this alien from outerspace.
Has your get up and go, gone on a gap year? This is yet again another symptom of those pesky blues. Almost all of the day you have been happy, but now there is no Mr Happy. You are suffering from a severe bout of Sadsongitis, This affliction is quite simple to diagnose. The sufferer receives no pleasure in listening to mood-lifting music. It’s Sad Song FM all day for them. They wish to immerse their eardrums in the music of anguish and heartbreak.
The effects of Sadsongitis usually
pass to younger siblings. They respond by listening to up upbeat and happy
music. This however does not effect a cure for Sadsongitis. It may make things worse,
particularly if the result is family discord. When suffering from a bout of
this affliction it is advisable to wear headphones, thus preventing the side
effects passing to siblings, or even in some cases parents.
